Day 21-29...wtf in the key of E...

Dear anybody with more energy than me and an absurd amount of money,

Please come take over for a good solid month.  I would still like to spend time with my husband, dog and kids...but on a beach...at a place where kids have their own supervised activities as well, so that I can feel at peace as I sleep, eat, drink, and read on the beach (between sessions of surf lessons or just boogy boarding) knowing that they are learning to swim with dolphins, or surf, or snorkle, or make something out of a wonderful seashell that cannot come back through customs.

And may there be a dog hotel that makes our pooch feel spoils that surpass the joy of laying next to me in the sand on a leash.  And while we are away for said month, may there be a magic fairy that cleans our home from top to bottom, organizes all things and makes us feel like we are entering a new home upon return.  Or better, yet...it could be a new home in a crime free neighborhood with sidewalks and garages and everything moved.

I do have so much to be thankful for, and realize the spoiled attitude of the above comment, but it's where my head goes when my reality has been the following:

I feel the past week it is best sung in the following medley...

Starting with the tune of...Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head...

"Glassware keeps falling on my head,
Slid off the middle shelf and toppled to the floor,
Shards are evermore...
So, glassware keeps falling all around it keeps falling

We're out of cups.
This sucks.
We can now drink from our soup bowls
Got my wishes
Far less dishes
And think, I had not yet had my coffee
Eeeeeeeee"

And then mixing in a bit of "Pressure" by David Bowie...

"LOTS OF VOMIT!
Coming down on me, coming down on me, yup it's just me.
LOTS OF VOMIT! Falling from one child, and then another child, while you're asleep.

The sheets are disgusting, and bedding is crusting, I think I might run away now....

but

THERE'S MORE VOMIT!
Coming down on me, coming down on me, yup it's just me.
LOTS OF VOMIT! Falling from one child, and then another child, while you're asleep."

And then to bring it vintage..."Three Coins in a Fountain..."

"Three kids to the dentist,
Each one seeking happiness,
One tooth got extracted,
Two kids await their fate.

Make it mine! Make it Mine! Make it Mine!"

And to close..."Love lift us up where we belong"

"Who knows, what tomorrow brings
In a world, where my plans are shit (doo doo doo dee doo doo)

All I know, is what I think we'll do
But that could change, as often it does

The road.................is long

There is illness, and bills to pay
But we chuck those aside everyday

Woa woaaaaa

Love lift us up where we belong
Where the children cry
And we don't know why

Love lift us up where we belong

From the world below

Where the traffic's slow......"

Focker. Out.

Day 20---Charlie Babbit

I drove our 5yr old "Rainman" and his friends to school today.  He greeted them, once they were buckled and the car was in motion, individually with a "Good Morning."  And then I just listened...

"I only have one more wrestling practice and then my dad will give me 30 dollars."

I so badly wanted to interject with a correction realizing that nothing I said was gonna make it any better.  We had not promised him $30, but we had told him at the beginning of the season--when momentum was at a stand still and the interest in wrestling was non-exisitent...a time when tournaments had gone from a fair battle to our child laying on the mat in the fetal position wishing someone would make it stop---we told him if he worked hard all season he could earn (in the way bribes are earned) 3 SkyLanders figures.  And well, he rallied. He has been a wonderful participant ever since and on Tuesday, the last practice, it will be time to pay up.

"So, then on Tuesday, I will have $69 dollars!"

"I thought you said, '30 dollars'," his friend corrected as I sat impressed that a 4 yr old listens.  It must be 5 when the the ears breakdown.

"Yes, but I have $39 already at home in my bank and so when my dad gives me $30, I'll have $69." He smiled thinking about the larger number and then added, "I didn't just make that number up, you know? I have $39, and he's giving me $30. Which makes $69. But if he gave me $40, it would be $79. I wonder if he could give me $40?" He sort of asked and commented at the same time.

"Yea..." his friend politely contributed.

"BUT, If he gave me $100. then I would have $139. That would be a lot. I could get a lot of Skylanders with that. Almost 14 Skylanders, because they are about $10 each."

(Defintely a lot of Skylanders, defintiely. I'm a very good driver. A very good driver).

"Do you think you would get Hot Dog?" asked his friend, familiar with a couple Skylanders himself.

"Ummm...I dunno. Maybe. Hot dog is pretty cool and I don't have Hot Dog.  But I would like to get Prism Break for sure."

Then from the back of the car, the sweetest little 3 yr old voice, much like that of Cindy Loo Whoo from the Grinch called out, "Can you teach me Skylanders?"

"Yes. I can teach you. You can be Cynder or Whirlwind."

"Yes," she replied sweetly, "I know how to play those games."

"Those aren't games," he corrected, "those are skylander characters. You can be those."

"Ooooooh," she said nodding. And added a little bit later, in her little Whoo voice..."That would be hilarioussss."

Day 19--no legs

Our  5yr old called for me this morning in loud desperation,
"MOM! MOOOOOOMM! MOM!!"

Thus, I came running down to find him in the tub.

"What is it?! Are you okay?"

"Yes," he replied calmly as if he were not just screaming my name. "Look at my feet and legs," he instructed.

"They are under the bubbles," I observed.

"They are GONE," he corrected with utter amazement at his own magical skills.

"Oh no," I replied equally stunned, "What are you going to do? How will you get out of the tub? Will you have to pull yourself on your belly-button?"

He looked at me as if to say, "How have you survived this many years without me?" And then explained, "No. I will have to bounce on my head."

"Ah Ha," I conceded, closing the conversation.

And as he sat in the tub, squirting soapy water between his cupped hands, he reflected on what he just said, truly adjusting his day in his mind for the life change he had just made in that moment, and without looking up, added with great introspection, "That is going to be hard."

Day 18

Somedays are just like this. For everyone. And sometimes, someone pokes their head over the hole and waves, and sometimes someone pokes their head over the hole and throws up.

Day 17

Sometimes I like to do the laundry just so I can get the sensation of my house launching us to the moon.

Day 16

Several songs keep playing in my head today. One references a "jet plane departure" another mentions "Jack leaving out back and Stan making a new plan," and yet a third hums something about Arbua, Jamaica..."

Don't worry, I'm sure it has nothing to do with our altercation this morning.  It's probably just the warmer weather...yup...no worries...that suitcase has always been packed.

Day 15---dinner is burnt

Cuz I'm here. At the computer.
Stick it. Me first. Blppppbbbtttt!!!!!

Now if only someone would make me a non-burnt dinner.

Day 13--swf seeks rock band

Our daughter loves to sing. Loves. To. Sing. She is often making up her own lyrics and finding ways to rhyme anything and everything.  Also picking up on various rhythms from other artists like Adele, or Ke$ha as she improvises.

Take Ke$ha's song that begins, "woke up in the morning feeling like P-Diddy..."

She will take that and run with it. And the other day she did...

"Woke up in the morning and I had no hair,
Thought about my mutha but she wasn't there,
Went to the bathroom and grabbed my brush
Signing to myself, 'I can't see no frush.'"

And on...and on...

What made this particular day unique however, was when her 9 yr old brother politely suggested that she might want to "hold off" singing until she has a band.

When she looked at him confused as to why that would be important, he replied, "I just think you might be embarrassed without some music in the background. You are not that good yet."

All hugging each other and thanking him for his honesty and constructive criticism---was so not the rest of the drive home.

Day 14---I have to poop

Never have I had to say so much, to many, many times.
It did not occur to me when I started to "glow" and get excited about becoming a family, that this little bundle of mutual love and genetics would, if I really really love it, preoccupy my time in such copious amounts that when I say to them at age 5, 7, and 9, "Just a minute" those words bounce off their head without a single interruption of their thought.

For example...Door swings open....

"Mom, he was hitting me and I was trying to---"

"Can this wait till I'm finished?"

"--stop him, by putting my hand out--"

"Can you give me a minute, and then we'll all talk about it?"

"--towards his nose, and I didn't mean to make it bleed---"

Enter crying wailing child with bloody nose.

"She hit my nose...(loud shriek at the sight of blood)...she hit it on purpose."

I wadded up a huge ball of toilet paper. "Take this," I said pressing it on his face. "Now you guys need to give me a minute."

"But..."

"Please!"

"But..."

"I HAVE TO POOP! GET OUT!"

And they walked away giggling---best of friends.

Day 12---they're really freakin' loud

And our house is really freakin' old, and I'm listening for plaster to fall from the ceiling, cuz they are young and thunderous, and having fun and should be able to do what they are doing.  Ideally they should be doing it in a finished basement, or large backyard, but for now the second floor will work. Because I'm hoping for a new ceiling fixture in the dining room anyway.

Day 11---the human child comes without a manual

And dammit someone should write one.  I quit. I am so tired of trying to figure out the correct way to handle the "new" situation of the "new" growth of a male or female small person that I'm certain to find myself, shortly, standing in the center of the room with all three of them around me having a full blown turrets moment in all my explicative glory.
I don't know what to do on a regular basis and it's exhausting.  The only redeeming piece to all of this is apparently neither does anyone else or a damn manual would exist.  I mean a REAL manual...as if factual operating instructions could make sense for every child. For example:

"If the child is suddenly moody and acting like an ass to his/her siblings, simply take out the yellow wire and place into the white input valve." pg. 64

or

"If child becomes despondent with random outbursts of anger, simply unplug main power source and lay child down for 8-10 hrs." pg. 57

or

"If child cannot stop repeating your name while you are having a phone conversation with uptight, arrogant surgeon, while picking nose and eating boogers, a simple re-boot is needed." pg. 34

or

"If child refuses to go to bathroom before bed, simply unscrew the plug and drain out all water before bedtime to prevent anger at 3am when the sheets are wet." pg. 16

"For diarrhea, see pg. 17"

But, as that is a reality for no one, we have books on alcohol abuse and AA mtgs.

Day 10

Dear Sweet-Dreaming Sleepy Todd,
The chili can not stay cooking on the stove all night and doors should probably be locked.

Your welcome,
Me (saver of the world, one fire at a time)

Day 9---training in bomb disposal

I could have written this same title, years ago and would no doubt be talking about diapers. However, now at age 9, 7, and 5 the bomb has become less olfactory yet far more deadly. It's the bomb of exhaustion and hunger with 3 mouths, 3 tudes, and 3 extra curricular obligations. Now, any good bomb diffuser knows that you start that day with a bag of individual snacks at pick-up with names on the bags so there can be no possibility for a "She ate MINE!" moment. I learned today that only one child likes raisins. Had I made a superior snack choice it would've been smooth sailing, but the dual discontent for a large part of the snack was like cutting the wrong wire. The second thing any good diffuser knows is that if there is waiting involved--as in no two activities happening at the same time, a craft, iPad, book or my phone must be available. And they must not be made to share. I had only packed my phone and was waiting on a call from a Dr. Soooo that was another wire gone awry. But we hung tight, quickly making it to the next activity during which the phone was available, but the boys had to be sequestered in the car, much like throwing an exploding bomb into the ocean, in an effort to contain the pending explosion. After gymnastics, we quickly drove to Subway for a speedy pre-wrestling dinner. All that had to be done was get the food into the melting children before time ran out. They were able to start on the chips while we waited for the sandwiches to be made, which was a lifesaver. And then I ordered a six inch for our 9 yr old who, as the sweat poured off my forehead in fear, balked that it was not a foot long. He was quickly directed to the beverage area, while the other two fought about where to sit. I redirected them to the chips and quickly brought over their sandwiches. As they sat quietly eating--as if starved for days, the little horns on their heads started to submerge and the smiles came back. I felt as though I had found the right wire with 2 seconds left on the clock.
So, yes, I'm F'n tired. I just saved the world today. Again.

Day 8--I've become a cliche

Today I ran into a school building in the middle of the day to pick up our sick child. I did so "type cast" as an overwhelmed, last one on the list, stay at home mom. My hair, pulled back in a ponytail, was all messy and "nest-like" on the top as it had been under a hat for the colder part of the morning. Still donned in black yoga pants, which draped over my holey gym shoes. On top, a white zipped up Fleece to protect from the chill in the air and a lovely coffee stain straight down the front as a result of attempting to load up the recycling in the back of the car while holding the mug with a "dishwasher damaged" ill fitting top in my hand at the same time. It allowed me to lift the hatch and pour coffee all over me---as if intentional. A thing of beauty. I was a walking cliche of defeat. Defeat who refused to be defeated. Tomorrow is a do-over, if I so choose.

Day 7

I was playing with our 5 yr old at school today--we were pretending he was a tiger and I bought him and was taking him home. I noticed a toy "ride on" car and asked the "tiger" if he knew how to drive. Cuz he would need to get us home. He said that he did not, but that he could "connect wires." He then went over to the toy and did a very convincing pantomime of hot wiring a car?!? Apparently my "tiger-ease" is not as good as I hoped as I clearly must have asked if "he had a car?"

Day 6/Sunday: Our "day of wrest"

Today, as you know, was the CO State Tournament for 1st yr wrestlers. Our last tournament of the year. Our last Saturday of racing out the door at 7:30am and driving 40+ mins to sit in a loud, stinky gym of angry adults while we cheer our boys into manhood. With each grapple, a lesson in resilience and drive and determination. A lesson in "no matter how many times you get knocked down, you get up again," and a lesson for me that no matter how loud a parent cheers for their child to push on your child's neck you cannot hit them.
Like an atheist being dragged to church every weekend, I have gradually come to embrace the sport of wrestling, some of the time. When our gentle 9 yr old pinned his opponent at the State Tournament, I liked the sport. When our 5 yr old took 3rd in State, I liked wrestling. When a former State Rookie Champ wrestled our little guy into the ground because he felt the need to wrestle 1st yr wrestlers again even though he was not a first year...I wanted to jump the perimeter and hold the little cheater down on the mat while inquiring his father on the sidelines as to why he is so insecure that he feels he has to put his son on the mat with 1st yr wrestlers in order to dominate--with no regard for the safety of these kids who are not on a level playing field, you fucking Tool!!!

Hmmm...perhaps I need to do my own training. The desire to throw some people around is strong with this one.

Day 5

It has happened. Our first child has crossed-over.  Not only does he believe he knows more than we do...that happened a while ago, but now other adults are also smarter and apparently carry the correct vocal range that allows for their info to penetrate his ears and make their way into his brain.  To be specific, a dentist or dental/hygenist, or "tooth educated person" came to their school the other day.  While I was driving home he presented us with a tutorial on how to brush our teeth.

"You are supposed to brush in circles. Not side to side."

"Yup, that's a good idea," I replied.

"Also you need to brush the surfaces of your teeth and not just the front."

OH MY GAAAAWD. This is why they have cavities. They can't hear me. And they go to bed before we brush our teeth. He must think we are toothless cave people who have been scraping our teeth with sticks. This info should not be news to him?!?!?!?

 "Also swishing water around in your mouth can act like a toothbrush."

"After you've brushed?" I inquired, "Or with toothpaste too...like if you don't have a toothbrush?"

"Yea." "Or just water sometimes."

Chalk one up for me I am smarter than the "tooth educated person. "Just water is not brushing your teeth.  "I'd prefer you include some brushing or toothpaste should you find yourself without a toothbrush." (15-love)

"Yea," he said nodding, his ear canal slightly narrowing as my sound waves approached. "But if you didn't have toothpaste, you could just use water." (15 all)

"Well, let's make sure you at least have access to toothpaste, then." (30-15)

"Yea," he half-laughed, thinking about something else already I'm sure. Ear canals fully closed. Stupid Mommy.

There was a lull, and then.

"But, if you didn't have toothpaste or a toothbrush, you could just use water." (30 all)

"Worst, case scenario, I suppose that's better than nothing. However, I'm not sure what situation you may find yourself in where you would not have either." (40-30)

"Mom, the light's green." (deuce)

"It sounds like you are trying to find a way to not brush your teeth." (match point)

"What?" (deuce)

"Please use your toothpaste and toothbrush to practice what you've (shockingly) just learned." (match point)

"Un huh." (deuce)

And then a play from a quiet viewer in the stands, his 5yr old brother calls out (having studied planets lately),"UR ANUS!"

Car breaks into laugher. (match point)

"Mom, the light is green again." (match).