You and Me and the 30 day war or "the other woman."

The 7 of us have been in a close, confined, mobile space for over 30 days. (That alone should be a reality TV show.) And I'm sure by reading this you are thinking that in that time I have lost the ability to count. But when I say "7" I'm referring to: you, me, 3 kids, our dog, and "her"---we'll call her "Mac." Deceptively petite, she slips in and out of your briefcase with ease. She boldly asserts herself on your lap for hours upon hrs. Often temperamental, she preoccupies all your time and energy with no regard for the woman schlepping the other 5 passengers across the wettest part of the country this summer. In fact she only paused moment when yet another woman, "Andrea" stole the show briefly causing us to fear for our lives as we ran from her windy and watery wrath. I recognize that Mac is the source of our livelihood, but methinks she dost protest too much. She did not help with laundry, she did not talk to me nor allow you to talk to me. She often transmitted hostile correspondence between you and the outside world. She had little to no interest in Universal Studios. Could've cared less about "Winter" the tailless dolphin. Zero desire to play in the hotel pools. May have taken the night off for Bourbon Street, but you had the kids. Demanded AC over an ocean breeze, late nights over family breakfasts. In fact the only thing she did right on this trip was die on our way to Lexington, KY. We all took a deep breath of fresh air and then as our hearts dropped into our stomachs, realized we had to go buy another one.

Here are the cliff notes for what you may have missed due to "Monopolizing Mac-Ticia."

1. It rained a shit-ton on this trip
2. I'm the reason people consistently have clean clothes. Not her.
3. Keep me away from hammers or the bitch gets it
4. It would be best if we had a conversation and maybe held hands. Preferably over dinner..at a restaurant...without children...without Mac...with cocktails. Immediately.

I think I prefer fake fishing

So...my aunt got the kids fishing poles. And I am thankful for the lesson I got on setting up the line with weights and hooks. I know that I fished a little as a kid---I have pictures holding up my fish. I don't, however, have any recollection of baiting the hook with live, moving worms nor trying to get the fish (that's fighting for its life) off the hook.

I learned this morning, that somewhere between quitting smoking, having children, and participating at a peace-loving preschool for 7 yrs, I've become soft.

It was really uncomfortable and upsetting to bait the hook, and even more so as I struggled to get it out of a small fishes throat.

I'm a wuss. A worm sensitive, fish appreciating wuss. I don't think I can take them fishing again. And they want to go in the morning...early. So, I'm thinking, if you go to bed early you could wake up and make some special father/child memories tomorrow am. Memories of worm slaughtering and fish killing. make sure to take pictures.

Xoxo

Know what you want

As we travel down that endless highway, we do stop from time to time at the occasional Burger King, Hardee's, Taco Bell, Wendy's, Carl's Jr, Subway, and other fine establishments of health. Due to the frequency in which we visit said places one would assume that everyone would have their order in mind when pulling in the drive-thru. After all, there are only so many options. And we've been coming here at least once a day for the PAST 17 DAYS!!!!! So when our children could not make up their mind, and the rain was pouring in through the window onto my lap, I made choices for them. These choices then resulted in disappointment and pouting, which trickled down into a loud lecture on how there is no reason they should not know what they want to eat.

Fast Forward to lunch the following day...we made an announcement so as not to catch them off guard.
"Guys, we are turning into Wendy's right now. Burgers and chicken...think about what you want."

I pulled up to the little box, rolled down my window and our youngest called out, "I would like fries and a glass of wine!"

Shoot me.

After 2 weeks, we made a pact

Tonight we made a pact---it was unspoken, it lacked eye-contact, and stretched across the cavern between us with clarity unlike any cellular plan. We would go back to the hotel and kill each other. The vat of patience that embarked on this journey had run dry and as we listened to our soaking wet kids (whom had jumped into a large fancy public fountain in Charleston) go back and forth about who was right...

"Mom, she thinks there are no roads and houses in the mountains. Is she right?"

"There are roads and houses, but not major shops and strips of retailers. Those tend to be down in the valleys of the mountains, not the peaks."

"Seeeeeee," our daughter replied taunting.

"See?!" Our eldest was confused, "You are not right."

"Si means yes!"

Appalled, our son responded, "We're not speaking Spanish?!?"

"Si!"

"No! You're wrong."

"Si!"

It was in that moment when we found ourselves too tired to say shut the fuck up, let alone search for a kid-friendly equivalent and the absurdity of childhood injustices had become so brain boggling and exhausting that I felt your desire to throw yourself from the moving car and thus, the pact was made.
Cuz I'll be dammed if you're gonna leave me holding the bag.

Seek shelter...or a wife

After a harrowing journey trying to outrun a Tropical Storm, we settled into Charleston around 9 pm--last night. Just in time for Hawks Game 4, I might add. (Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?)
As the game started, and our spazoid children earned us a "noise complaint" from below (apparently of you keep them cooped up all day in a car in a storm they get a little restless) I took them down to the indoor/outdoor pool. Its outside in that it lacks it's fourth wall---on purpose. No sooner did they start swimming when I heard a painfully loud and unpleasant siren. The other women sitting poolside did not even flinch, but they looked immersed in conversation and maybe didn't hear it.
It stopped, and I thought perhaps someone went out the emergency exit door. But then it came again. I couldn't help thinking that this was some sort of tornado or storm alarm and that we needed to "take cover." However, before pulling the spazoids from their natural environment, I interrupted the women at the pool to see if they heard the alarm as well or was I crazy?

"A tree frog," they replied as they exhaled and ashed their cigarettes.
"Seriously?!"  My lack of southern twang and enthusiasm for a frog made it clear that I was not from "these parts."
"Yup, he's looking for a wife."
"Wow, " I said thinking that with that approach there must be a lot of single frogs.
"Yup. You can hear'm, but you'll never find'm. If you hear a really deep sound, that's a bullfrog."
"Fascinating," I replied and then sat through a few more audible attempts at unrequited love.

As I sat there, I tried to imagined what this "mating call" translated to...was it as simple as "who's your daddy?" or slightly more specific such as, "who has a flat screen showing game 4?"

Either way, it stopped before we got out of the pool. Some frog was getting lucky tonight, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say, probably not the one that hopped in the storm all day with the tadpoles to get to the screen in time to watch game 4.

A is for Andrea...

A is for:
Andrea
All day rain
Almost getting washed away
Ambitious driving
Acting like you can see the road
Asking children to stop screaming
Acclimating to the new position of your shoulders in your ears
Advil
Anticipating tornadoes
Additional hrs on the road
Accidental timely departure
Arrival safely in SC
Adventure

No molestar

"No molestar" is the Spanish equivalent of "do not disturb." In our last hotel we had a large magnet that we slapped onto the door when we left our springer spaniel/German shepherd in the room. Couldn't help but laugh at the idea of saying "no molestar dog."

This place was just sketchy enough to have to make such a request/disclaimer.

Universal Studios (to the tune of Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer)

You know ET and Spidy, Transformers and Simpsons...The Hulk, Harry Potter, T-Rex and the Minions...but do you recall the most special park moment of all?

"Mommy my feet are tired.
They have never been this sore.
And if you ever saw them---
Can you carry me to just one more?

This line is taking hours
Hey, can you stop touching me!?
When's the last time you kids took showers?
Mommy, I have got to pee!

Then one rainy summer night,
Daddy came to say,
'Black Hawks Play Game 3 tonight
Mind if I slip away?'

Oh how the kiddies begged him
'Just check out this funny ride'
And then to the bar we'll join you
To watch the game dry inside.

As we restlessly stood in line,
You stared at the clock
Are you freakin' kidding me
I'm about to pull my gloc.

Orlando is 30 hrs
And that's if you drove straight through
Call on your psychic powers
You know the right thing to doooooooo.