The 7 of us have been in a close, confined, mobile space for over 30 days. (That alone should be a reality TV show.) And I'm sure by reading this you are thinking that in that time I have lost the ability to count. But when I say "7" I'm referring to: you, me, 3 kids, our dog, and "her"---we'll call her "Mac." Deceptively petite, she slips in and out of your briefcase with ease. She boldly asserts herself on your lap for hours upon hrs. Often temperamental, she preoccupies all your time and energy with no regard for the woman schlepping the other 5 passengers across the wettest part of the country this summer. In fact she only paused moment when yet another woman, "Andrea" stole the show briefly causing us to fear for our lives as we ran from her windy and watery wrath. I recognize that Mac is the source of our livelihood, but methinks she dost protest too much. She did not help with laundry, she did not talk to me nor allow you to talk to me. She often transmitted hostile correspondence between you and the outside world. She had little to no interest in Universal Studios. Could've cared less about "Winter" the tailless dolphin. Zero desire to play in the hotel pools. May have taken the night off for Bourbon Street, but you had the kids. Demanded AC over an ocean breeze, late nights over family breakfasts. In fact the only thing she did right on this trip was die on our way to Lexington, KY. We all took a deep breath of fresh air and then as our hearts dropped into our stomachs, realized we had to go buy another one.
Here are the cliff notes for what you may have missed due to "Monopolizing Mac-Ticia."
1. It rained a shit-ton on this trip
2. I'm the reason people consistently have clean clothes. Not her.
3. Keep me away from hammers or the bitch gets it
4. It would be best if we had a conversation and maybe held hands. Preferably over dinner..at a restaurant...without children...without Mac...with cocktails. Immediately.
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